Orlando Bloom 'V' Sweaty Sock

****JUSTIN NOTE****

I am delighted to offer readers the first Guest Contributor post, courtesy of Chris Billett.

Way back in my second post, I hinted at possible future CaC posts and here we have it, dear Reader... Orlando Bloom 'V' A Sweaty Sock... don't ever say we don't deliver, motherfucker!

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The Contenders

It’s a comedy of errors in this edition of Champ & Chump, the might-be-might of the minutely-mighty M&S sock pitted against the false-cutesy and oh-a-bit-too-feminine charm of one Orlando Bloom. On just the name front, Sweaty Sock would seem to be at a crippling disadvantage, but, at once keen to throw away a chance at a the perfect start, Orlando deigns to have a name starting with Orla. Orla is a girl’s name, oh dear… a lesson to be learned here - if you’re going to have Lando in your name, put it at the front. Also, get some bling!

It’s going to be one of those posts!

"I've got no cock!"

V




The 90’s

1997 saw Orlando making his debut role, if IMDB is to be trusted, in Wilde, the Oscar Wilde movie. Never one to turn down a bit of foreshadowing (Cue LotR flashback, "Aragorn… Red eye at night, shepherds delight!" or some such jazz) he plays the role of a rentboy, apparently using permanent make-up that mean he will forever hold the look from now until eternity. Poor lad. It was a relatively quiet decade for the old chap other than that, but there’s probably some minor roles in Coronation Street or Holby City lurking in the English TV vaults of shame somewhere…




The same year saw one minor up and coming star by the name of A. Sweaty Sock launch a stunning career with an unprecedented blockbuster role in James Cameron’s Titanic. Having seen him make a mere cameo in Kevin Costner’s Waterworld and yet still outshine the main star, it’s reported the director paid him twice Di Caprio’s salary and gave him half the real life boat for his fish tank. Starting as a mere second class citizen on the foot of one Leonardo Di Caprio, Mr Sock built his status up gradually yet solidly for scenes involving a fully clothed and socked romp with Kate Winslet in a classic car, a long sink to the ocean with a dying Jack ("Jack wait! Stay with me!" - "I’m sorry baby, there’s not room for me on that plank… not me and my sock…") and the tragically deleted scene involving accidental footsy with Winslet’s mother over dinner.


"Five pairs of socks... five! That's all it took to make this piece of shit movie... one pair on my feet and four stuffed down my pants."

2000 and Beyond


Orlando’s career took a slightly delayed leap in the naughties, a quiet 2000 being spent filming the Lord of the Rings trilogy that would catapult him into 'household name' status. Despite floundering about on the snow in a desperate light-footed effort to stop his socks from getting wet, Bloom pulls off the roll of Legolas incredibly well, the mysterious air and coldly efficient manner of the character suiting Orlando’s skills perfectly. He’s a little bit pretty, but any girls you take to the cinema are slightly put off by his stupidly long hair and deformed ears so it’s not too bad.

Meanwhile, temporary nemesis Mr A. Sweaty Sock was busy muddying his feet (pun intended) in the woods near Farnham, Surrey, filming the Ridley Scott epic Gladiator with Russel Crowe. As Crowe screams the command to unleash hell on the enemy in the opening scenes we are treated to delightful shots of running soldiers, feet slapping through mud and blood in the ultimate soiled clothing montage. It’s a small and occasionally overlooked roll that brings both historical accuracy and a welcome sense of reality to the film.

Orlando’s career also seems to be on the up following commercial success in the Lord of the Rings films, he lands the roll of Todd Blackburn in Ridley Scott’s Black Hawk Down. Considering his previous gig as all singing all prancing elf Legolas it comes as somewhat of a surprise when Blackburn’s first special move as an elite US military unit is a pathetic lunge for a rope that your average playschool toddler would be ashamed of. He lands flat on his back like a scmuck and starts bleeding out his ears, and if you’re in the cinema with a chick the chances are she’s saying "Awww, awww oh, awww oh no he’s so brave awww look at him… why don’t they go and get him WHY DON’T THEY RESCUE HIM?!?" and dreaming of giving him mouth to mouth.

Mr Sock however has cunningly avoided such a hot role and is taking a year break in Hollywood’s 2001/2 ‘dry spell’.

Moving on swiftly to 2003 and your man Bloom is featuring in the movie about Australia’s most famous criminal, Ned Kelly. The problem is nobody bothered watching it, although your girlfriend downloaded the trailer but didn’t understand it, ‘cos no-one outside of Australia does…
Fortunately for Orlando the surprise summer blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean comes out of nowhere to knock our socks off! But not for long, as after Mr A. Sweaty Sock’s first appearance on the foot of one Johny Depp it is clear who the real star of this picture is. Whilst Bloom ponces around snogging Kiera Knightley our ninety percent cotton hero cruises into the scene on a sinking boat and is then dragged along the jetty on the foot of one Jack Sparrow, pirate extraordinaire! From then on out Orlando and his chick are but pretty scene decorations while Sparrow chases down the ugly bad guys.

Taking the rest of the year off to work on the screenplay for his directorial debut, a remake of My Left Foot, Mr Sock disappears from the spotlight for a while.

Bloom is back in action in The Calcium Kid, but no-one really understands why he took the role, and personally methinks he got turned down for a role in a milk commercial as a kid, and is now rubbing it in a bit for those dumb schmucks who could be making a mint on ‘before they were famous’ videos right now. Having lost a few points in the ultimate battle of Champ & Chump, Orlando is quick to bounce further down the order with a hundred percent mincing faggot role in another epic, Troy. Whilst Homer turns in his grave at the absolute rape of his literary masterpiece, Bloom flexes the old firm wrist muscles and fires a few arrows a la Legolas before hiding behind heroic brother Hector for most of the rest of the film. Once again he gets the pretty woman, and somehow despite his horrible lack of masculinity, any female that’s seen the movie insists that she be allowed to call you Orlando whenever you make out for the next month.

Whilst failing to learn the folley of trying to make things that happen all the way down in Australia interesting to Americans that cost Orlando so badly with Ned Kelly, A. Sweaty Sock puts in a stellar performance in Open Water, the tail of, er, how some people went diving and forgot to get back in the boat so pissed in their wetsuits for a few days then got eaten by sharks. All things considered Mr. Sock made the best of a bad role, and the less said about it the better.
2004 is clearly a bad year for both our potential Champs.

Quick to offer condolences for making him out to be a totally inept teenager who couldn’t be trusted to close a computer down at the end of the day in the office let alone shimmy down a rope into an active war zone, Ridley Scott snaps up our feeble friend for the lead role in Kingdom of Heaven. Ever keen to pick up medieval weapons against ‘people what look a bit different, init’ our curiously camp contestant slaps on three sets of armour and a fake beard managing to look at least a year past puberty for a while. The thing is, I quite like my current girlfriend so I didn’t take her to see this, and I’m going on the trailer alone. No doubt designed to be very politically correct and portray Orlando in a positive light, there’s little question that this must have been an effects loaded pile of tripe with flashing swords and swooning teenage girls in the crowd asking each other if Orla is okay.

Coming more up to date and Mr. Sock’s latest performance is a rip-roaring tale of childhood glee in a chocolate factory, where he sits on the ankle of a fat kid who falls in a river, but not just any river. A chocolate river. It’s the ultimate challenge for the ultimate sock (and, possibly, the ultimate washing powder. Is chocolate one of the 99 stains that Daz does get out?) and A. Sweaty Sock doesn’t disappoint.







The Verdict

Well, it’s a close one. If you consider an absolute sweeping of the board to be a close one! On the one hand you have a limp, floppy, slightly dirty old rag with one expression and a faint musty smell and on the other... you have our sock. Despite the challenges thrown at him he has proved his acting credibility on countless occasions, showing up Orlando in films such as Pirates of the Caribbean, whilst Bloom manages little other than a stonefaced glare and a few lucky shots with a weapon that wouldn’t last long against a tactical nuclear strike. (I’d be all up for the strike idea, were it not for the fact I live in the same city as the man…)

I sense Oscars in line for this young sock, many Oscars and a plethora of broken Hollywood marriages. For Orlando, I sense a return to his original role in Wilde…

The Champ