The Sheens 'V' The Sutherlands

That's right readers (okay, okay... reader... you happy now?), the second edition of Champ & Chump is the battle of the Father/Son combos... In one corner we have Martin and Charlie Sheen and in the other corner, we have Donald and Kiefer Sutherland.




'V'





Both fathers and both sons are similar ages, Martin born in 1940 and Donald in 1935, Charlie in 1965 and Kiefer in 1966. The number of movies the fathers have been in alone, is impressive to say the least, and when you add the sons' inventories this could become a motherfucker of a post. So... to make it fair, whilst we will touch on the early careers of Martin and Donald, the spotlight will be on the flicks released whilst both father and son were making a living as actors.

The real points however, will of course be given/deducted based upon what really matters... how hot are Charlie and Kiefer's mothers... and who have the father/son combo humped during their careers?

I know what you're thinking, but Justin, how can you do a father/son combo post, and not include the Douglas combo? Well I'll tell you how... because Michael is almost as old as Donald and Martin, is humping Catherine Zeta Jones, and Kirk was Spartacus!!! How unfair would that be? And Michael is a boring prick and his films are shite.

Listen, son... I've been doing this since before you were born!

Apart from The Execution of Private Slovik in 1974, in which Charlie played a kid at a wedding, the youngster's big break came in 1984 in Red Dawn with Patrick Swayze, so we will take a quick look at the highlights of Martin's career prior to '84. According to imdb.com, we're talking 48 credits including classics such as The Dead Zone, Gandhi, the incredible Apocalypse Now and Taxi!!!




Kiefer's debut was in 1983, in Max Dugan Returns and Donald's highlights prior to that date include; The Dirty Dozen, MASH, Kelly's Heroes, The Eagle Has Landed and the first film to feature a shit-scary dwarf in a little red riding hood cape, Don't Look Now... because of that movie my mother still can't visit Venice. You fanboys may also be interested to note that Donald played the lead role in Klute (1971), which was one of Stallone's first roles mentioned in the previous C&C post... Alas, Sly's role as 'dancer in club' went uncredited... must have been complete bollocks.

The (late) 80's

Sheen Snr. kept busy with classics such as Firestarter and Wall Street but let the side down BIGTIME by providing his voice talent for... I shit you not... Apocalypse Pooh. Even the fact he actually voiced Winnie himself, cannot take away just how fucked up that is. Robert Duvall provides the voice for a Gopher in the same movie. "Dad you're so fuckin embarrassing!" says Charlie reading this post but his contribution in this decade includes drill like Grizzly 2: The Predator and Never on a Tuesday but, at least we were treated to Young Guns (although more of a vehicle for 'brother with gay name', Emilio Estevez and of course, Kiefer Sutherland), Platoon and Major League.

Note: Wall Street also starred Charlie and that lucky sonafabitch, Michael Douglas.




Apparently, and this is a C&C exclusive, Marlon Brandow skull-fucked the director of Apocalypse Pooh, when the screen legend was asked if he would provide the voice for Piglet.

Sutherland Snr. had a luke-warm decade in the 80's... perhaps he was pissed off with Kiefer for cramping his style... the most well-known flick in this decade for the old fart is starring as 'the warden' in gay prison flick, Lock Up opposite Stallone! Kiefer kicked out the jams with Young Guns, Stand By Me and 'the vampire movie of our generation', Lost Boys. I can't emphasize enough just how fuckin cool Lost Boys is, it has comics, vampires an awesome soundtrack and the Frog Brothers! Apart from the bubble bath scene with Cory Haim, which proved, finally... that I am actually straight *shudder*, this film is brilliant.

"Come on, Michael... let's bite some skulls and hang from a bridge."




"Kiefer... I don't want you hanging out with that Sheen boy, or his gay brother Emili... Emilie... Elninio... the ugly one!"

The 90's

Charlie's decade is mostly filled with horseshit, he tries comedy... didn't he learn anything from Stop, or my mom will shoot? He turns into Charlie 'Spoof' Sheen with Hot Shots, Loaded Weapon 1 and Hot Shots Part Deux. There are a couple of thrillers too, Navy SEALS, The Rookie but Charlie really takes one in the nuts for the Sheens, when he teams up with ugly fuckwit brother for Men at Work. This painful crap about surfing garbagemen, was actually written by Estevez. After the premiere, Martin Sheen demanded a blood test, stating "that Estevez woman was a slut." The decade isn't a total shit-storm for genre fans with The Arrival, which wasn't too bad. Martin has a fairly poor decade, narrating JFK, appearing in plenty of movies with his (real) son, Charlie and even appears in Spawn.

I have a question, when and how did Charlie go from 'runt who looks a bit like his dad' to this?


All those hookers must be a great workout.

Hits for Donald in the 90's include Backdraft, JFK, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Outbreak and A Time to Kill. There's also the slightly weird Six Degrees of Separation, with Will Smith proving he can do 'gay' as well as Keanu Reeves can do... well, anything other than a fuckwit surf-dude. Kiefer strengthens the duo's hit list with Young Guns 2: Jon Bon Jovi's A Twat, Flatliners, A Few Good Men, the brilliant The Vanishing and one of my favorite genre movies Dark City.

2000 and beyond

Martin focuses on TV hit The West Wing and features in very few movies, the only one worth noting is Catch Me if You Can. Charlie, like a chip off the old block, dives into Spin City and Two and a Half Men but starts off the new millenium thinking fuck it, I've done comedy I may as well do porn and stars in Rated X, once again teaming up with brother Englebert 'honest I'm not gay' Estevez.

Donald stays mainstream with Cold Mountain, Frankenstein and The Italian Job and Kiefer keeps it real with LA Confidential, Taking Lives and Phonebooth and of course, the series of the millenium 24.

You Motherfu...

So let's take a look at the ladies that 'went halves' on a bastard with messrs Sheen and Sutherland.



I'm sure she was hot when she was younger.

And mama Sutherland:

The Verdict

Movie-wise, it's hard to ignore classics like Apocalypse Now, Platoon and Wall Street from the Sheens, but the Sutherlands have tried to remain serious ac-tors throughout their careers and let's face it, Charlie has really messed up the chances of the Sheens being taken seriously. Plus the genre fanboy in me drools over Lost Boys and Dark City.

Charlie loses more points for the clan Sheen, for having the nickname 'The Machine' but then gains almost unmeasurable points back for claiming he is addicted to sex, that it is an illness and that he is getting therapy... that is the best fuckin excuse in the world.

He is also married to Denise, and whilst it looks like it may be over, he definitely had sex with her on numerous occasions when he wasn't indulging in his addiction... you greedy bastard!



Kiefer hasn't done too badly either, in 1990 he was engaged to Julia Roberts and has also dated dancer, Amanda Rice.

Between the combos we have well over 400 movies, and Charlie has pumped at least 400 women on his own... this is a tough choice.

Sheens, you are chumps. And it's mostly down to Winnie The Fuckin Pooh dropping Napalm on Tigger, and Charlie's obsession with working with his fuck'tard of a brother.

The Champs

The Future...

I am hoping to get guest contributors to rival-up movies, actors, tv shows, comics, you name it...

Possible future posts include:

The Rock 'V' Vin Diesel
Batman 'V' Superman
Steve Buscemi 'V' Tim Roth
Gary Oldman 'V' Daniel Day Lewis
Tom Cruise 'V' Brad Pitt
Kiefer Sutherland 'V' Kevin Bacon
Grunge 'V' Rock
Orlando Bloom 'V' A Sweaty Sock
FarScape 'V' Babylon 5
The Internet 'V' Girlfriends
Jason Mulgrew 'V' Letter D
Wanking 'V' Real Sex

It goes on and on...

Stallone 'V' Schwarzenegger

This is the first edition in what I intend to be a series, pitching two bitter rivals against each other, looking at the evidence and injecting my own humble opinion, ultimately proclaiming one 'The Champ' and the other... 'The Chump'.

It's inspired not a little, by Letter D's 'genius or moron' posts... Pure Internet Gold!

The Contenders

Anyway, first up are the two biggest, baddest movie stars of the 80's and 90's... Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone... now if the results were based on stupid names, Arnie would nick it... but only just. I have to say at the outset, that I personally couldn't have lived without either's movies as I grew up... imagine no Rocky... or no Terminator... but alas, one has to be named Chump. Recent stars like Steven (gay ponytail) Seagal and Van (splits kick and bumpy forehead) Damme don't even get a look-in.

'V'

The 70's

The 70's was pretty shit for both 'action' men, although Sly hit some home runs with Rocky and Rocky 2... probably his most memorable role. The rest of this decade is filled with crap like Bananas, Klute and The Party at Kitty and Stud's.



Arnie faired much worse with abysmal shite like Hercules in New York and his role as Lars, the gym instructor in Scavenger Hunt.

The 80's

An incredible decade for Arnie with mega hits starting with the awesome Conan The Barbarian Movie... followed with hit after hit:

Conan The Destroyer
The Terminator
Red Sonja
Commando
Predator
The Running Man

Holy shit, what a bunch of movies. The Terminator was the Sci Fi film of the 80's except for Blade Runner, maybe. The second Conan movie, more budget, more muscles and even the slightly eccentric Red Sonja was great for the fantasy fanboy. Commando established Arnie as the 'one liner' action movie star and Predator sealed the deal.





Sly didn't do too badly either, Rambo was the macho man of the 80's in First Blood, Rambo and Rambo 3... he also managed to notch up two further Rocky movies, with Rocky 3 featuring Mr T and the brilliant Rocky IV, with the classic Ivan Drago character, played by big Dolph. Arnie may have had the string of one-off hits and the follow-up to the first Conan movie, but Sly had established himself as the king of the franchises.

But the 80's weren't only about the two big R's for Sly, he also released Cobra, Lock Up, Tango & Cash and the soft and yet almost appealing Over the Top about an arm wrestler trying to gain access to his son.





The 90's

A fairly even couple of decades until now. We have hugely successful one-off defining hits from Arnie and well-established franchises from Sly... both actors were loaded and popular, so what are they going to do now?

Arnie kicks off in style with Total Recall... then totally fucks up with Kindergarten Cop... he is the first to fall for the 'Should I try comedy?' schoolboy error... didn't he learn anything from Twins?
Luckily for everyone, he hits back with Terminator 2: Judgement Day... one of the biggest movies ever... and this is despite the fact that the new terminator is ordered not to kill... 'he'll live' he says, as he shoots a punk in the leg.

Then he looks like a complete fuck'tard in The Last Action Hero, trying to appeal to kids, goes evern further into the shitter with Junior (a pregnant Arnold Shwarzenegger... who the fuck signed that off!?!) recovers with True Lies (thanks to Tom Arnold) gives us the finger with Jingle All The Way and then does this:




You prick.

At least End of Days gets back to the dark stuff but even Gabriel Byrne fresh from The Usual Suspects can't save a wishy washy decade.

Sly kicks off with Rocky V... bad move. Who the fuck wants to see a punch drunk, broke, Rocky slug it out with another great white hope in the street? Then the unthinkable happens. Stop, or my Mom will shoot... didn't YOU see Twins fucko?

He gets back onto ass kickin' track with Cliffhanger and up until this point, has left the Sci Fi to Arnie. Then Demolition Man hits our screens, and ain't too bad and also acts as a vehicle for the up and comer Wesley Snipes and new geek-drool gal, Sandra Bullock.

The Specialist is forgettable, especially as snatch-flasher Sharon Stone keeps her gash where it belongs... but then we get this:

You prick.

Way to piss off fanboys the world over.

Things get boring with Daylight and Assassins but Sly wins back some acting street cred with Cop Land at the end of another wishy washy decade.

Beyond 2000

Sly starts the new millenium with Get Carter... Get lost. Driven, which is okay and D-Tox, which is complete arse apples.

Arnie gave us the 6th Day, which I enjoyed for the premise and the gadgets alone. Then came Collateral Damage, back to the 'one man taking on an army' form of the early 80's.. only shit. Then the tragedy that was Terminator 3, Arnie never had Sly's franchise power.

Then Arnie gets all 'political'... didn't he learn anything from Junior?

... he beomes the Governor of California and looks like this:

Sly makes the awesome television show 'The Contender', forgetting Rocky was just a character and the only shot he has ever taken to his face, was the stroke that left him looking and sounding punch drunk... and stays in pretty good shape.

The Verdict

Sly started out strong with Rocky, gaining extra credits for writing and directing THE boxing movie short of Raging Bull... and any boxing movie this side of the year 2000!

But Conan... and an incredible run in the 80's aids Arnie's corner, although you can't ignore John Rambo, Apollo Creed dying in Rocky IV and Kurt Russell banging Sly's sister in Tango & Cash.

Both make pricks of themselves as Mr Freeze and Judge Dredd, try comedy, drop a couple of decent thrillers, and try and revitalize ailing franchises in the 90's.

Both stick their heads up their arses, Arnie getting into politics and Sly thinking he can actually give advice to real-life, promising boxers and possible future world champions.

Sly gets extra points, as whilst Arnie starred in Red Sonja... Sly was actually banging her in real life. He also deserves some extra credit for achieving such success despite having a completely fuckin mental mother.

Both deserve a kick in the balls for Planet Hollywood.

Sorry Arnie, you are a Chump.

The Champ

And this surprised me, as going in to this thing I thought Arnie had made better films. If this had been a fight, Sly went into the early rounds slugging, Arnie came back with some strong middle rounds. Both men touched their knees on the canvas in later rounds but Sly made an eye-catching finale.