Corey Haim 'V' Corey Feldman

Yes, it's the battle of the two Coreys. In the 80's and specifically due to the awesome movie, Lost Boys, these guys seemed like hot prospects. They went on to star in no less than seven movies together and were the highest paid teen stars in the world during that golden decade! Both CaC contestants were born in '71 and um... are both called Corey.

Things haven't gone too well for either of them since then, both have had well publicized drug problems, Feldman famously divorced his parents and worst of all... he became a vegetarian, the crazy bastard. Haim filed for bankruptcy in '97, allegedly owing over $200K in taxes... oh dear.


So who is the Champ... the Goonie and vampire slaying Feldman, or the vampire, werewolf and great fat spliff slaying, Haim?



'V'




The 80's

Haim launched his career in the TV Series The Edison Twins, about two geeks who get into adventures with their vast knowledge of science... wow, and yet you can't buy it on DVD. Haim was not one of the twins though, he was a mate called Larry. Then it was on to his first movie appearance in Firstborn, a family comedy also starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Robert Downey Junior in minor roles... if only Haim could star alongside them now. Secret Admirer was another 'meh' movie with a 'meh' role for Haim. But then it happened. Haim's first taste of genre movie madness, and his first lead role in Silver Bullet... the adaptation of Stephen King's The Cycle of the Werewolf.

Not a particulalry great movie, but at the time I remember loving it, as werewolfs were and still are, my favorite movie monster. Oh the joy of watching Haim maim the Lycanthrope with a firework in the eye and then seeing the priest open the door with an eye-patch!

Some mediocre comedies and a drama followed, with Haim playing the typecast little brother or peculiar son, namely A Time to Live, Murphy's Romance & Lucas. Back to TV with Roomies before his breakthrough role as Sam in Lost Boys.

Death by stereo was born and the film was a cult hit. It was also for me, the first time I wanted to go out and buy a movie soundtrack... even the song performed by the fruit with the chains and the sax was good.

License to Drive was another Haim/Feldman team-up, about a teen who flunks his driving test but still goes out for a night on the town with his mates... sadly, Feldman's character doesn't even get a second name in the movie credits, Haim is clearly touted as the star of the duo.

Back to genre with Watchers, another adaptation but this time Dean Koontz, which turns out to be okay. Then it's on to Dream a little Dream, although this time Haim's character doesn't get a surname and Feldman takes the lead... heard of it? Fanboy trivia, a few days before shooting, Haim broke his leg so the film makers had to write the injury into the plot. When his real cast was taken off, he had to wear a fake one for the rest of the shoot. In the movie, his mum hit him with her car, which is exactly what happened in real life... guess she saw the script for Blown Away, which was due to be filmed a few years later.





Feldman actually commenced his acting career at the age of three, so he had a few credits prior to the 80's. His first role was in a McDonalds advert! Ironically, his first movie credit in this decade is How to eat like a Child. Much like Haim, and owing to the fact he was a kid... he tended to stay in TV family comedy and dramas such as Father Figure, The Kid with the broken Halo, Still the Beaver (sadly not a porn movie) and even provided the voice talent for 'young Copper' in Disney's The Fox and The Hound.

Feldman's first taste of genre is as Tommy in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter and then gains major points for a minor role in one of the best kids' fantasy/horror movies of the decade, Gremlins, in '84. Sadly, his character, Tommy... was not killed off in The Final Chapter, so he reappeared as 'Tommy aged 12' in Friday the 13th: A New Beginning... shithouse.

Two back-to-back hits follow with The Goonies and Stand By Me and so far, this has all been achieved without Haim's cute, smug, little face.

Lost Boys, License to Drive and Dream a Little Dream all follow but Feldman also sneaks in 15 and Getting Straight, about a drug rehab centre for teens (funny how life imitates art... they should have just done a 'fly on the wall' documentary) and he also gets a role in the bollocks Tom Hanks film The Burbs.






The 90's

Haim kicks off the 90's with The Dream Machine about a lucky little teen bastard who is given a porsche (once again, life imitates art). Fast Getaway, another light-hearted comedy, followed by Prayer of the Rollerboys with the classic blurb 'sometime in the future when the U.S. has become a country of violence and racial prejudice'... shit these movies can be soooo far-fetched!

It's at this point that Haim calls his agent (CaC exclusive) and says "Listen man, I am sick and tired of playing fuckin kids all the time... I am like 21 now, motherfucker, I want some putang!" And so we get Oh, What a Night, a movie about 'two lads who start to investigate the world of women'.

Agent: Well that was a complete waste of time, you tit... if you want some putang I'll get you some hookers you fresh-faced little twat, now do The Double O Kid like a good little actor... prick.

Haim: Double O Kid eh? Is that double O as in orgasm?

Agent: No, it's double O as in 007... you play a kid who wants to be a secret agent.

Haim: Awesome! Bond always gets laid, what's the tagline for this role?

Agent: His Weapons: A Super Soaker and a Joystick. His Mission: To Save the World... Before Dinner!

Haim: Ah fuck it!

Clearly Haim refused to drop it and the awful thriller Blown Away features both Coreys banging Nicole Eggert, who Haim later proposes to (in real life). Double Switch is a thriller with the suspenseful and never used before tagline 'There's a killer in the building'. Despite being 22 by this point, Haim goes back to school to play Chris, who is bullied so bad, he disguises himself by dressing in women's clothing... Anything for Love bombs. They could have made this into the american version of The Crying Game and clearly missed a huge opportunity for Haim to be taken seriously. Imagine the look on the jock's face when he managed to get into Haim's cheerleader knickers.

Fast Getaway 2 is almost saved by the martial art queen, Cynthia Rothrock. Last Resort sees both Coreys reunited for a crap comedy. The duo go straight into Dream a little Dream 2. Another comedy in Life 101, and then crap follows crap for the rest of the 90's. The fact Haim is pennyless doesn't help his script selection. Snowboard Academy is almost okay and Never too Late, is sadly, not true for this once hot property actor.

Feldman takes the lead in Rock 'N' Roll Highschool but he can't maintain starring roles for long and supports in Exile, voices Donatello in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, leads in Edge of Honor, gets all 'sexy' in Blown Away and Meatballs 4, goes comedy in Round Trip to Heaven, Stepmonster and Loaded Weapon and voices Donatello again in TMNT 3... so who the hell did Don for TMNT 2? Adam Carl, that's who... a 2bit support actor who's best role is... voicing Donatello in The Secret of the Ooze. Things just spiral down and down for vegetarian druggy Feldman, with drug-related arrests and even worse... the release of hip hop single 'Honesty'. He gets an impressive twenty further credits in the 90's but the movies are alas, far from impressive with Feldman playing 12 characters with no surnames in the credits.

"Haim ain't the only motherfucker who can wear a hat, dawg! Now check this shit... my name is Corey, I am an akk-to the izzle-tor..."


2000 and beyond

Three credits for Haim, Without Malice, The Back Lot Murders and Universal Groove, with nothing on the horizon.

Eleven credits for Feldman including the massive blockbuster Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger 4... where Feldman is credited beneath Ron Jeremy the porn star... fuckin BENEATH him. Feldman's character in this movie gold is called Kinky Finkelstein... he also appears in My Life as a Troll, Bikini Bandits, Puppet Master Vs Demonic Toys and voices Sprx in Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go... shitcan and nothing on the horizon.


The Verdict

Well, let's face it... these guys are both chumps, but here at CaC, someone is always a winner. Two teen idols with huge prospects and if Peter Jackson had been making Lord of the Rings in the 80's, these two would have been hobbits without a doubt...

Feldman loses points for the hip hop, and was also snubbed by Haim in 2002, when Feldman asked his namesake to be best man at his wedding to Susie Sprague... Haim was 'too busy' because of prior commitments.

One role, a Champ does not make, but Lost Boys was pretty fuckin cool, and Sam almost made it acceptable for white boys to dress like pimps and sing in the bath (with plenty of bubbles).

Hard to ignore Gremlins and The Goonies though, which were other 80's-defining movies.

I never thought that I would ever be able to say "I have more money than Corey Haim". Also, you know you're fucked when miserable irish singer/songwriters (The Thrills) write and release a song called 'Whatever Happened to Corey Haim?'

I can't call it... but based on the fact we get to see him take Nicole Eggert from behind, onscreen, Haim is slightly less Chumpy than Feldman... sorry Felds, you are a Chump! (and I know you lot are going to disagree, so go on... make your snide little comments, but you didn't hear 'Honesty' okay? That shit is evil).


The Champ