Mr Miyagi... RIP

Tragic news, the brilliant Pat Morita has passed away...




Best known for his role as Mr Miyagi, the mysterious, karate expert caretaker in the Karate Kid movies.

Ah... you know when a movie comes along and you feel like 'this movie was made for me!'... well I've only experienced that a few times, and The Karate Kid was one such movie. I loved it, loved it. loved it and I have gone back and watched it and apart from the nostalgia, I do realise it was pretty poor, but for the time it was amazing... and also pretty harmless.

Your classic tale of the little guy standing up to the bullies, of friendship and crossing cultural bounderies... genius. And back in those days mothers didn't care if they heard little Danny saying things like 'mom... I'm just going to spend some time with the creepy little Japaenese guy in the basement... he's teaching me 'special' techniques'.

You would not believe how hard I searched for my own miyagi! I found a creepy guy down at the 'Old Friend' take-away... who was actually Chinese, but close enough, and I even tried the old 'pen pal' route... writing to and then dropping these poor japanese girls who really wanted an english pen pal, but were ignored because they said 'no I no know karate... but my brother is yellow belt'... 'What about your father? Isn't he a master?' I wrote back... 'no... he mechanic'. FUCK!




Wax on, wax off and who could forget the 'honk' incident above... we all knew miyagi could chop the Cobra Kais' heads off... but he didn't need to... well, that and it was a PG.

Daniel-San, the fuck'tard comes good, using the secret Crane Technique... it baffles your opponent, and whilst he wonders why you have gone all 'gay'... you kick him in the head... I'm telling you, fuckin Ninjas couldn't even come up with something so genius... except for smoke bombs, they rock.

And another fascinating thing about the Karate Kid franchise, is that it belongs to the exclusive club of movies where the sequel is actually pretty cool.

I was 'in the pants' happy when I heard Daniel-San was going to go to Okinawa with Miyagi in the sequel and would have to fight to the death with Chozen, Miyagi's nemesis' pupil... plus Daniel-San got it on with a local girl... holy shit, I dug out those old pen pal letters, 'listen, I know you and your family do not know karate... but I think I am in love with you.'

I wanted to 'do' bamboo, just like Daniel-San.

And man did I nearly shit when Chozen blocked the crane kick!

Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita... we at CaC, salute you!!!

Pat has a staggering 103 movie credits.

Orlando Bloom 'V' Sweaty Sock

****JUSTIN NOTE****

I am delighted to offer readers the first Guest Contributor post, courtesy of Chris Billett.

Way back in my second post, I hinted at possible future CaC posts and here we have it, dear Reader... Orlando Bloom 'V' A Sweaty Sock... don't ever say we don't deliver, motherfucker!

*************************

The Contenders

It’s a comedy of errors in this edition of Champ & Chump, the might-be-might of the minutely-mighty M&S sock pitted against the false-cutesy and oh-a-bit-too-feminine charm of one Orlando Bloom. On just the name front, Sweaty Sock would seem to be at a crippling disadvantage, but, at once keen to throw away a chance at a the perfect start, Orlando deigns to have a name starting with Orla. Orla is a girl’s name, oh dear… a lesson to be learned here - if you’re going to have Lando in your name, put it at the front. Also, get some bling!

It’s going to be one of those posts!

"I've got no cock!"

V




The 90’s

1997 saw Orlando making his debut role, if IMDB is to be trusted, in Wilde, the Oscar Wilde movie. Never one to turn down a bit of foreshadowing (Cue LotR flashback, "Aragorn… Red eye at night, shepherds delight!" or some such jazz) he plays the role of a rentboy, apparently using permanent make-up that mean he will forever hold the look from now until eternity. Poor lad. It was a relatively quiet decade for the old chap other than that, but there’s probably some minor roles in Coronation Street or Holby City lurking in the English TV vaults of shame somewhere…




The same year saw one minor up and coming star by the name of A. Sweaty Sock launch a stunning career with an unprecedented blockbuster role in James Cameron’s Titanic. Having seen him make a mere cameo in Kevin Costner’s Waterworld and yet still outshine the main star, it’s reported the director paid him twice Di Caprio’s salary and gave him half the real life boat for his fish tank. Starting as a mere second class citizen on the foot of one Leonardo Di Caprio, Mr Sock built his status up gradually yet solidly for scenes involving a fully clothed and socked romp with Kate Winslet in a classic car, a long sink to the ocean with a dying Jack ("Jack wait! Stay with me!" - "I’m sorry baby, there’s not room for me on that plank… not me and my sock…") and the tragically deleted scene involving accidental footsy with Winslet’s mother over dinner.


"Five pairs of socks... five! That's all it took to make this piece of shit movie... one pair on my feet and four stuffed down my pants."

2000 and Beyond


Orlando’s career took a slightly delayed leap in the naughties, a quiet 2000 being spent filming the Lord of the Rings trilogy that would catapult him into 'household name' status. Despite floundering about on the snow in a desperate light-footed effort to stop his socks from getting wet, Bloom pulls off the roll of Legolas incredibly well, the mysterious air and coldly efficient manner of the character suiting Orlando’s skills perfectly. He’s a little bit pretty, but any girls you take to the cinema are slightly put off by his stupidly long hair and deformed ears so it’s not too bad.

Meanwhile, temporary nemesis Mr A. Sweaty Sock was busy muddying his feet (pun intended) in the woods near Farnham, Surrey, filming the Ridley Scott epic Gladiator with Russel Crowe. As Crowe screams the command to unleash hell on the enemy in the opening scenes we are treated to delightful shots of running soldiers, feet slapping through mud and blood in the ultimate soiled clothing montage. It’s a small and occasionally overlooked roll that brings both historical accuracy and a welcome sense of reality to the film.

Orlando’s career also seems to be on the up following commercial success in the Lord of the Rings films, he lands the roll of Todd Blackburn in Ridley Scott’s Black Hawk Down. Considering his previous gig as all singing all prancing elf Legolas it comes as somewhat of a surprise when Blackburn’s first special move as an elite US military unit is a pathetic lunge for a rope that your average playschool toddler would be ashamed of. He lands flat on his back like a scmuck and starts bleeding out his ears, and if you’re in the cinema with a chick the chances are she’s saying "Awww, awww oh, awww oh no he’s so brave awww look at him… why don’t they go and get him WHY DON’T THEY RESCUE HIM?!?" and dreaming of giving him mouth to mouth.

Mr Sock however has cunningly avoided such a hot role and is taking a year break in Hollywood’s 2001/2 ‘dry spell’.

Moving on swiftly to 2003 and your man Bloom is featuring in the movie about Australia’s most famous criminal, Ned Kelly. The problem is nobody bothered watching it, although your girlfriend downloaded the trailer but didn’t understand it, ‘cos no-one outside of Australia does…
Fortunately for Orlando the surprise summer blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean comes out of nowhere to knock our socks off! But not for long, as after Mr A. Sweaty Sock’s first appearance on the foot of one Johny Depp it is clear who the real star of this picture is. Whilst Bloom ponces around snogging Kiera Knightley our ninety percent cotton hero cruises into the scene on a sinking boat and is then dragged along the jetty on the foot of one Jack Sparrow, pirate extraordinaire! From then on out Orlando and his chick are but pretty scene decorations while Sparrow chases down the ugly bad guys.

Taking the rest of the year off to work on the screenplay for his directorial debut, a remake of My Left Foot, Mr Sock disappears from the spotlight for a while.

Bloom is back in action in The Calcium Kid, but no-one really understands why he took the role, and personally methinks he got turned down for a role in a milk commercial as a kid, and is now rubbing it in a bit for those dumb schmucks who could be making a mint on ‘before they were famous’ videos right now. Having lost a few points in the ultimate battle of Champ & Chump, Orlando is quick to bounce further down the order with a hundred percent mincing faggot role in another epic, Troy. Whilst Homer turns in his grave at the absolute rape of his literary masterpiece, Bloom flexes the old firm wrist muscles and fires a few arrows a la Legolas before hiding behind heroic brother Hector for most of the rest of the film. Once again he gets the pretty woman, and somehow despite his horrible lack of masculinity, any female that’s seen the movie insists that she be allowed to call you Orlando whenever you make out for the next month.

Whilst failing to learn the folley of trying to make things that happen all the way down in Australia interesting to Americans that cost Orlando so badly with Ned Kelly, A. Sweaty Sock puts in a stellar performance in Open Water, the tail of, er, how some people went diving and forgot to get back in the boat so pissed in their wetsuits for a few days then got eaten by sharks. All things considered Mr. Sock made the best of a bad role, and the less said about it the better.
2004 is clearly a bad year for both our potential Champs.

Quick to offer condolences for making him out to be a totally inept teenager who couldn’t be trusted to close a computer down at the end of the day in the office let alone shimmy down a rope into an active war zone, Ridley Scott snaps up our feeble friend for the lead role in Kingdom of Heaven. Ever keen to pick up medieval weapons against ‘people what look a bit different, init’ our curiously camp contestant slaps on three sets of armour and a fake beard managing to look at least a year past puberty for a while. The thing is, I quite like my current girlfriend so I didn’t take her to see this, and I’m going on the trailer alone. No doubt designed to be very politically correct and portray Orlando in a positive light, there’s little question that this must have been an effects loaded pile of tripe with flashing swords and swooning teenage girls in the crowd asking each other if Orla is okay.

Coming more up to date and Mr. Sock’s latest performance is a rip-roaring tale of childhood glee in a chocolate factory, where he sits on the ankle of a fat kid who falls in a river, but not just any river. A chocolate river. It’s the ultimate challenge for the ultimate sock (and, possibly, the ultimate washing powder. Is chocolate one of the 99 stains that Daz does get out?) and A. Sweaty Sock doesn’t disappoint.







The Verdict

Well, it’s a close one. If you consider an absolute sweeping of the board to be a close one! On the one hand you have a limp, floppy, slightly dirty old rag with one expression and a faint musty smell and on the other... you have our sock. Despite the challenges thrown at him he has proved his acting credibility on countless occasions, showing up Orlando in films such as Pirates of the Caribbean, whilst Bloom manages little other than a stonefaced glare and a few lucky shots with a weapon that wouldn’t last long against a tactical nuclear strike. (I’d be all up for the strike idea, were it not for the fact I live in the same city as the man…)

I sense Oscars in line for this young sock, many Oscars and a plethora of broken Hollywood marriages. For Orlando, I sense a return to his original role in Wilde…

The Champ

News - July 2005 Part 2

No Retreat, No Surrender...

... and how all four (yes, four) movies in the franchise ended up in my collection.

I love b-movies, whether it's horror, sci fi, fantasy or martial arts and whilst researching a possible future CaC post on martial arts b-movie superstars... I got onto Loren Avedon. Loren was big in the 80's and 90's (well, as big as b-movie martial arts stars can get) and he was one of the 'bridging' actors until Van Damme or Jackie Chan released a new movie. By 'bridging', I mean we all knew the films were shit, but they killed time until better movies were released.



Loren was launched onto the scene in No Retreat, No Surrender 2 and then the third movie in the mega franchise (CaC exaggeration).

But his biggest hit and still an incredible movie, is King of the Kick Boxers, which many fans still believe to contain the best onscreen fight scenes to this day. It's a poor man's Kickboxer to be fair, but Billy Blanks is awesome, as is Loren as the lead. Yes, you Tai Bo fans will be amazed to discover that Blanks had quite a long career in martial arts b-movies.



Anyway, during my research on Avedon, I decided to head on over to Play.com to order King of the Kick Boxers. Imagine my surprise upon finding that it's alternative title is No Retreat, No Surrender 4... no shit.

So I ordered the other three too as the urge to watch Van Damme's official debut, was too great. Now those of you who have seen NRNS, will know that Van Damme has a small part. An impressive part without doubt, but he is essentially a henchman, who breaks the hero's father's arm (or leg, I can't remember) and then gets the bejesus kicked out of him by the hero, who is trained by Bruce Lee's ghost (man it sounds shit when you say it like that!)

So imagine my surprise when the DVDs arrived yesterday and the case for NRNS looked like this:



Yes... above the title of the movie it really does say, Jean Claude Van Damme... the lying BASTARDS... well, actually the EXAGGERATING BASTARDS...

I remeber being duped by distribution companies over Jackie Chan movies where Jackie would come onscreen for like two minutes, throw a dumpling, make a funny face and then fuck off... the rest of the film would be shite.

So the moral of the story is... well, there ain't one actually.

Sadly, Billy is too busy with Tai Bo to care about un-profitable b-movies, his last role was in '97. Loren however has a new movie coming out this year called Brutal.

The tagline is "A Man With No Name. A Town Without Hope. A Stranger On The Path Of Justice. Are you Ready to Get Brutal." Glad to see Loren hasn't turned his back on shitty b-movies.

News... July 2005

Inbetween CaC posts, I figure I'll post any news I think entertaining or downright insulting.

Highlander

This could have been the single greatest stand-alone fantasy movie ever... it could have been the Blade Runner of fantasy movies. But no, they had to fuck everything up with a shithouse sequel Highlander II: The Quickening, suggesting that the immortals were actually aliens from another planet... who happen to have forgotten this fact throughout the first movie.

Then they throw the third installment at us, Highlander III: The Magician, with crappy Mario Van Peebles... then they make the shitnut Highlander the TV Series with Duncan MacLeod... WHO THE FUCK IS DUNCAN AND WHERE WAS HE MENTIONED IN THE FIRST THREE MOVIES... and as if to clear things up, we get Highlander IV: Endgame... with plenty of Connor and Duncan back-story... ARSE!

Now, if a franchise can happily piss all over their genius first movie, why should we be surprised if they then ignore the fact that they called a movie Endgame... as in that's it... no more... we're done... Bollocks.

Now it seems we have Highlander: The Journey Continues... and it's one of three further movies in the franchise, focusing more on Duncan.

And what annoys me far more than the fact that these movies exist... and even more than the fact Christopher Lambert made Beowulf... is that I will probably watch them... shite!

Hugh Jackman 'V' Russell Crowe

Yes, it's the battle of the antipodeans, Jackman a full-blooded aussie and Crowe, a sheep-shagging New Zealander. This is an interesting one for me as it will be particularly hard for the fanboy in me to ignore the fact that Jackman is WOLVERINE and the fact that Crowe is a complete twat... but I will try and remain impartial for the sake of good pop-culture journalism.

Crowe is four years older than wolvie... I mean, Jackman, and actually started his career five years earlier too, although both movie-hunks (I am comfortable with my sexuality) started late, hitting our screens in the 90's...



'V'




The 90's

Hugh made his debut on Australian television in Correlli, Snowy River: The Mcgregor Saga and TV movie; Halifax f.p. Afraid of the Dark. His first movie lead was in '99 as Jack Willis in Paperback Hero. The tagline for the movie is fuckin genius... 'He's hard, tough ... and doesn't give a XXXX for anything ... except romantic novels'. According to the blurb, Jackman's character is a tough roadtrain driver with a secret... he is a best-selling author of romantic novels. Another movie credit for Erskineville Kings and back to TV with Oklahoma!

Crowe's first movie appearance was in '90 in Australian movie Prisoners of the Sun. The Crossing, Proof and Spotswood follow before the awesome skinhead flick Romper Stomper in '92. He has a few more aussie movies before his big US break as Cort in completely shite western The Quick and The Dead, also starring snatch-flasher Sharon Stone, Gene Hackman and up and comer Leonardo DiCaprio. No Way Back is next, another US movie with Crowe taking the lead. Fanboy trivia, a neo-Nazi character in this movie has almost identical tattoo patterns as Crowe's character had in Romper Stomper. I really enjoyed Sci Fi thriller Virtuosity starring Denzel 'look at my Oscars, motherfucker' Washington, and Crowe plays the excellent SID 6.7.

Next up for Crowe, is Rough Magic starring opposite the sexy Bridget Fonda. It seems at this point, that he is heading for greatness and his breakthrough role as Bud White in L.A. Confidential confirms this assertion. Who could hate a crooked cop that enjoys beating the shit out of the bad guys and who can take a few bullets without dying? Plus, he kills that fuckin pig farmer from Babe!

Crowe seems to take a step back with Heaven's Burning and Breaking Up, although as these were released the same year as L.A. Confidential, perhaps they were made first and just shelved for a while before hitting the streets. At least in Breaking Up he gets to do love scenes with Salma Hayek... the bastard. Mystery Alaska is another mediocre comedy but then The Insider confirms Crowe's talent and also credits him alongside giants such as Al Pacino and um... Rip Torn.





I think it's fair to say that Crowe kicked Hugh's ass in the 90's but the new millenium is where things start to get interesting as Crowe gets 'blockbuster syndrome', releasing one film a year but Jackman becomes Logan in X-Men.


2000 and beyond

When X-Men was in the development stages, years and years ago, it was rumoured that Brandon Lee would play Wolverine. I loved Brandon Lee and may even do a CaC featuring Bruce's son, but I was not happy with the idea of The Crow actor becoming my beloved Logan... Brandon was tragically killed in a freak accident during the filming of The Crow, when the wadding in a blank-firing gun struck him... ah well, silver lining and all that.

Jackman is Wolverine... a little tall but he brought the character to life and this role launched his global career to fanboy and hot chick alike. Someone like you was released the same year, a chick-flick comedy but then Hugh got to lead in the geekgasm that was Swordfish, opposite Travolta and the 'in the pants' gorgeous Halle 'look at my Oscars, motherfucker' Berry. In the movie Hugh is faced with the ultimate geek fantasy... to hack into a mainframe whilst being destracted by a hot blonde giving him a blowjob... the day geeks look like Hugh Jackman is the day that will really happen.

Kate and Leopold is one of those movies guys will refuse to go the cinema to see with their girlfriends... but will chuckle to it and find it entertaining when they pay for it on Box Office... well, that's what my mate tells me, obviously I wouldn't watch it!

X2 gives us another dose of Wolverine with a great story arc and Nightcrawler no less!!! Hugh is so down to earth, he goes back and makes an indy aussie movie Standing Room Only and a made for TV movie in the States called Making the Grade. Just when genre fanboys were still drooling over X2, we get Van Helsing, seeing the slayer up against Werewolves, Vampires, Dracula and Frankenstein... holy shit! Either this film was going to be as camp as christmas or awesome... it was both!

One thing I like about Jackman is that he returns to his arty farty roots despite his celebrity status and in 2005 we saw him in Stories of Lost Souls.





Gladiator... let me just say that again... Gladiator. Russell Crowe as Maximus in the Ridley Scott classic is incredible. This is one of the best movies of all time. Bud White in a leather skirt. This movie out-Bravehearted Braveheart. Proof of life was a little flat for me, it lost the pace although it was another solid performance. A Beautiful Mind was another brilliant role for Crowe confirming his acting ability beyond doubt. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World was another blockbuster smash, an epic adventure set on the high seas and of course we now have the boxing epic Cinderella Man about folk hero Jim Braddock.

But it seems Crowe is disappearing up his own arse, is rude, smells (Rene Zellweger refused to do love scenes with Russell until his breath and body odour were taken care of) and is a violent thug, recently hitting a hotel worker in the face with a telephone when he couldn't get through to his wife.





Now what?

Jackman has an impressive line-up of 'coming soon' movies. The Fountain is next, a role rejected by Brad Pitt about a lifespan-enhancing fountain. He is providing his voice talent to two projects, Flushed Away about a rat flushed down the toilet and Happy Feet, an animated movie about penguins. Then we have X3... unfortunately the Pheonix story arc, probably my least favorite arc in the X-Men comic. We have Good, a tale about Auschwitz and talk about a Woody Allen project and most exciting of all... Wolverine... yes, Wolverine. A whole movie about Wolverine.

Crowe has fuck-all in the pipeline except maybe a jail sentence.


The Verdict

This is a tough one. In the last post, we had two chumps and it was a case of picking out who the biggest tit was but here, we have two amazing talents releasing decent movies. They are going down different roads, however. Crowe is carving his niche in serious roles and Hugh is an action adventure superstar.

Crowe's famous quote from Gladiator was "What we do in life echoes in eternity". I just hope the echo isn't "Russell Crowe is a twat... is a twat... is a twat... is a... is..."

Russell has made bigger, mainstream movies but genre fanboys will argue that the X franchise and Van Helsing is enough to seal Jackman's victory.

Wolverine... nuff said.

Russell, you are a Chump!


The Champ

Corey Haim 'V' Corey Feldman

Yes, it's the battle of the two Coreys. In the 80's and specifically due to the awesome movie, Lost Boys, these guys seemed like hot prospects. They went on to star in no less than seven movies together and were the highest paid teen stars in the world during that golden decade! Both CaC contestants were born in '71 and um... are both called Corey.

Things haven't gone too well for either of them since then, both have had well publicized drug problems, Feldman famously divorced his parents and worst of all... he became a vegetarian, the crazy bastard. Haim filed for bankruptcy in '97, allegedly owing over $200K in taxes... oh dear.


So who is the Champ... the Goonie and vampire slaying Feldman, or the vampire, werewolf and great fat spliff slaying, Haim?



'V'




The 80's

Haim launched his career in the TV Series The Edison Twins, about two geeks who get into adventures with their vast knowledge of science... wow, and yet you can't buy it on DVD. Haim was not one of the twins though, he was a mate called Larry. Then it was on to his first movie appearance in Firstborn, a family comedy also starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Robert Downey Junior in minor roles... if only Haim could star alongside them now. Secret Admirer was another 'meh' movie with a 'meh' role for Haim. But then it happened. Haim's first taste of genre movie madness, and his first lead role in Silver Bullet... the adaptation of Stephen King's The Cycle of the Werewolf.

Not a particulalry great movie, but at the time I remember loving it, as werewolfs were and still are, my favorite movie monster. Oh the joy of watching Haim maim the Lycanthrope with a firework in the eye and then seeing the priest open the door with an eye-patch!

Some mediocre comedies and a drama followed, with Haim playing the typecast little brother or peculiar son, namely A Time to Live, Murphy's Romance & Lucas. Back to TV with Roomies before his breakthrough role as Sam in Lost Boys.

Death by stereo was born and the film was a cult hit. It was also for me, the first time I wanted to go out and buy a movie soundtrack... even the song performed by the fruit with the chains and the sax was good.

License to Drive was another Haim/Feldman team-up, about a teen who flunks his driving test but still goes out for a night on the town with his mates... sadly, Feldman's character doesn't even get a second name in the movie credits, Haim is clearly touted as the star of the duo.

Back to genre with Watchers, another adaptation but this time Dean Koontz, which turns out to be okay. Then it's on to Dream a little Dream, although this time Haim's character doesn't get a surname and Feldman takes the lead... heard of it? Fanboy trivia, a few days before shooting, Haim broke his leg so the film makers had to write the injury into the plot. When his real cast was taken off, he had to wear a fake one for the rest of the shoot. In the movie, his mum hit him with her car, which is exactly what happened in real life... guess she saw the script for Blown Away, which was due to be filmed a few years later.





Feldman actually commenced his acting career at the age of three, so he had a few credits prior to the 80's. His first role was in a McDonalds advert! Ironically, his first movie credit in this decade is How to eat like a Child. Much like Haim, and owing to the fact he was a kid... he tended to stay in TV family comedy and dramas such as Father Figure, The Kid with the broken Halo, Still the Beaver (sadly not a porn movie) and even provided the voice talent for 'young Copper' in Disney's The Fox and The Hound.

Feldman's first taste of genre is as Tommy in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter and then gains major points for a minor role in one of the best kids' fantasy/horror movies of the decade, Gremlins, in '84. Sadly, his character, Tommy... was not killed off in The Final Chapter, so he reappeared as 'Tommy aged 12' in Friday the 13th: A New Beginning... shithouse.

Two back-to-back hits follow with The Goonies and Stand By Me and so far, this has all been achieved without Haim's cute, smug, little face.

Lost Boys, License to Drive and Dream a Little Dream all follow but Feldman also sneaks in 15 and Getting Straight, about a drug rehab centre for teens (funny how life imitates art... they should have just done a 'fly on the wall' documentary) and he also gets a role in the bollocks Tom Hanks film The Burbs.






The 90's

Haim kicks off the 90's with The Dream Machine about a lucky little teen bastard who is given a porsche (once again, life imitates art). Fast Getaway, another light-hearted comedy, followed by Prayer of the Rollerboys with the classic blurb 'sometime in the future when the U.S. has become a country of violence and racial prejudice'... shit these movies can be soooo far-fetched!

It's at this point that Haim calls his agent (CaC exclusive) and says "Listen man, I am sick and tired of playing fuckin kids all the time... I am like 21 now, motherfucker, I want some putang!" And so we get Oh, What a Night, a movie about 'two lads who start to investigate the world of women'.

Agent: Well that was a complete waste of time, you tit... if you want some putang I'll get you some hookers you fresh-faced little twat, now do The Double O Kid like a good little actor... prick.

Haim: Double O Kid eh? Is that double O as in orgasm?

Agent: No, it's double O as in 007... you play a kid who wants to be a secret agent.

Haim: Awesome! Bond always gets laid, what's the tagline for this role?

Agent: His Weapons: A Super Soaker and a Joystick. His Mission: To Save the World... Before Dinner!

Haim: Ah fuck it!

Clearly Haim refused to drop it and the awful thriller Blown Away features both Coreys banging Nicole Eggert, who Haim later proposes to (in real life). Double Switch is a thriller with the suspenseful and never used before tagline 'There's a killer in the building'. Despite being 22 by this point, Haim goes back to school to play Chris, who is bullied so bad, he disguises himself by dressing in women's clothing... Anything for Love bombs. They could have made this into the american version of The Crying Game and clearly missed a huge opportunity for Haim to be taken seriously. Imagine the look on the jock's face when he managed to get into Haim's cheerleader knickers.

Fast Getaway 2 is almost saved by the martial art queen, Cynthia Rothrock. Last Resort sees both Coreys reunited for a crap comedy. The duo go straight into Dream a little Dream 2. Another comedy in Life 101, and then crap follows crap for the rest of the 90's. The fact Haim is pennyless doesn't help his script selection. Snowboard Academy is almost okay and Never too Late, is sadly, not true for this once hot property actor.

Feldman takes the lead in Rock 'N' Roll Highschool but he can't maintain starring roles for long and supports in Exile, voices Donatello in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, leads in Edge of Honor, gets all 'sexy' in Blown Away and Meatballs 4, goes comedy in Round Trip to Heaven, Stepmonster and Loaded Weapon and voices Donatello again in TMNT 3... so who the hell did Don for TMNT 2? Adam Carl, that's who... a 2bit support actor who's best role is... voicing Donatello in The Secret of the Ooze. Things just spiral down and down for vegetarian druggy Feldman, with drug-related arrests and even worse... the release of hip hop single 'Honesty'. He gets an impressive twenty further credits in the 90's but the movies are alas, far from impressive with Feldman playing 12 characters with no surnames in the credits.

"Haim ain't the only motherfucker who can wear a hat, dawg! Now check this shit... my name is Corey, I am an akk-to the izzle-tor..."


2000 and beyond

Three credits for Haim, Without Malice, The Back Lot Murders and Universal Groove, with nothing on the horizon.

Eleven credits for Feldman including the massive blockbuster Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger 4... where Feldman is credited beneath Ron Jeremy the porn star... fuckin BENEATH him. Feldman's character in this movie gold is called Kinky Finkelstein... he also appears in My Life as a Troll, Bikini Bandits, Puppet Master Vs Demonic Toys and voices Sprx in Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go... shitcan and nothing on the horizon.


The Verdict

Well, let's face it... these guys are both chumps, but here at CaC, someone is always a winner. Two teen idols with huge prospects and if Peter Jackson had been making Lord of the Rings in the 80's, these two would have been hobbits without a doubt...

Feldman loses points for the hip hop, and was also snubbed by Haim in 2002, when Feldman asked his namesake to be best man at his wedding to Susie Sprague... Haim was 'too busy' because of prior commitments.

One role, a Champ does not make, but Lost Boys was pretty fuckin cool, and Sam almost made it acceptable for white boys to dress like pimps and sing in the bath (with plenty of bubbles).

Hard to ignore Gremlins and The Goonies though, which were other 80's-defining movies.

I never thought that I would ever be able to say "I have more money than Corey Haim". Also, you know you're fucked when miserable irish singer/songwriters (The Thrills) write and release a song called 'Whatever Happened to Corey Haim?'

I can't call it... but based on the fact we get to see him take Nicole Eggert from behind, onscreen, Haim is slightly less Chumpy than Feldman... sorry Felds, you are a Chump! (and I know you lot are going to disagree, so go on... make your snide little comments, but you didn't hear 'Honesty' okay? That shit is evil).


The Champ

Sho Kosugi 'V' Jean Claude Van Damme

This CaC (Champ and Chump... thanks Juye for pointing out the awesome acronym and no I will not change it to Champ or Chump just so you can giggle like a girl!) exists for one reason and one reason only...

Black Eagle

The martial art movie with the most promise EVER... that ended up total felch because the leads (Kosugi and Van Damme) refused to lose on-screen to each other... it was shit, so shit the distributors even called it Black Shit or Eagle Shit amongst themselves. Van Damme fell in the water and it is hinted at in the movie, that he fell victim to the propellers of the boat... or did he? Who the fuck cares!!! Nobody is going to watch a sequel to this shit-storm!

So, if these boys won't fight on-screen, they will fight right here in Champ & Chump 3: Eagle Shit.




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I remember growing up worshipping Kosugi because of the awesome TV series The Master, and of course the various Ninja movies that we will cover in due course. But, I still remember watching the devastatingly bad No Retreat, No Surrender, when Van Damme burst onto the scene and stole the movie off the poor lead actor, who went on to act in commercials... and eventually ended up selling handjobs to directors and then anyone who would pay (CaC exclusive).

At one point in the movie, JCVD does the box splits in his corner of the ring using the ropes... who the fuck is this guy? I remember saying to my horrified babysitter, who was trying to read her Just Seventeen magazine in peace.

But believe it or not, the 'Muscles from Brussels' wasn't always so butch. A nerdy ballet dancer who wore spectacles to the dojo, who would've thought that he would become an all-action movie star not quite big enough to challenge Sly or Arnie?



Sho Kosugi on the other hand, was always hard... he started training when he was 5 years old and by the time he was 18, had become all-Japan karate champion. The guy brought Ninjas to the western world, or at least, to my world... and of course, he was the first actor to use Mascara chic under his ninja hood... waaaaay before Batman made the camp trend, trendy again.





The 80's

Sho kicked off (fnar!) with an incredible trilogy (even though only one movie actually hinted that a trilogy was intentional) in Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja and Ninja 3: The Domination. We also had some crap though, with Nine Deaths of The Ninja, Diamond Ninja Force and Rage of Honor but things get back on track with Pray For Death... Ninja 3 deserves extra credit for starring the actress who played Kelly in Breakdance: The Movie (or Breakin' as it is also known). Also, Enter the Ninja is responsible for me converting a Buck Rogers outfit into a ninja suit, complete with Black Balaclava mask and black shoelaces tied around my legs.

I've mentioned The Master, but for me, Sho's role as the baddie Okasa against Lee Van Cleef's character, defined and started my fanboy journey. It was brilliant! Van Cleef the mysterious Ninja being chased around the States by Okasa as he takes on an apprentice and searches for his daughter.

We know about Black Eagle already *hissss* but there was also the enjoyable summer flick Aloha Summer, where Kosugi plays the strict father of one of the main surf-dude characters. Then we get to the brilliant Blind Fury, starring Rutger Hauer as the white-man's version of Zatoichi... Sho plays the Ninja, hired to stop Rutger's legendary sword skills.

Van Damme's first credit is Monaco Forever in 1984, where he is expertly cast as 'gay karate man'. Before his breakthrough in No Retreat, No Surrender and fresh from his gay cameo, JCVD appears as a camp onlooker in Breakdance: The Movie. I watched it the other night and can confirm that this is true. That weird bump on his forehead is unmistakable.

After Black Eagle, Van the Man shows the promise he hinted at in No Retreat, No Surrender with in my opinion, still one of his best movies... Bloodsport. As Frank 'put up your' Dux, the ninja who enters and wins the illegal Kumite in Hong Kong.

Cyborg could have been great and rumour has it that it was filmed before Bloodsport, but shelved until after Bloodsport launched JCVD's career. It was also edited, apparently by the same prick who prepared the paperwork for the prosecuting team in the Michael Jackson case.

Just when you thought you couldn't take any more splits kicks or illegal fights, Kickboxer showed us JC dipping his bandaged fists in resin and then M&Ms... or was that Hot Shots? Fuck it, you know what I mean.

"I may be blind, fucko... but I'll still kick the shit... hey, weren't you in Enter the Dragon?"

"The fire is melting my M&Ms!!!"

"Okay, you don't have to call me JC anymore!!!"


The 90's

Alas, apart from providing his voice for a few projects, including the brilliant game Tenchu, Sho almost vanishes, much like a ninja but without the smoke bombs and the fat henchman with a shuriken in his neck. He wrote, produced and appeared in Kabuto, set in 17th Century Japan also featuring David Essex, Christopher Lee and John Rhys-Davies... just imagine that for a moment please, reader... indulge me... Sho Kosugi, Saruman and fuckin Gimli in the same movie!!! That's worth ten Van Damme films!!!

Jean Claude or as he demanded to be called at the time, 'fuck machine', had a string of hits, some hitting our screens and some hitting the spotty little prick who hired them to us at the video store on the back of the head. Some of the highlights include Universal Soldier and... well that's about it. The idiot grows a mullet for Hard Target, decides he is an ac-tor in Nowhere to Run, thus throwing no kicks to show how serious he is, recovers with Timecop before doing this:

You prick.

Oh and I have to mention that just when you thought Arnie was the only prick in the world who thought The Last Action Hero was any good, guess who makes a cameo appearance? Yep, Fuck'tard in the blue beret.

Double Impact, Death Warrant and Lionheart (AWOL in the UK) can't even get played on Bravo Channel anymore.

Things get boring with Legionnaire, another kick-less movie... you never hear Pamela Anderson saying, "You know what I don't want to show my cleavage in this movie," do you? Double Team is double shit, Maximum Risk is an apt title, Knock Off was his guilt showing after offering The Quest, which is a poor man's Bloodsport featuring... an illegal fight.

I actually enjoyed Universal Soldier: The Return... maybe that is an indication of just how shit his films were becoming... but I watched them all. Coyote Moon (Inferno in the UK) was dogshit.




2000 and beyond

Still no sign of Sho... but the great news is that Return of the Ninja is scheduled for 2006, with Sho playing a ninja master who travels to the States to find an apprentice and a decent tube of mascara.

I stopped watching Van Damme movies after Inferno , so missed Replicant, The Order, Derailed, The Savage, Narco and Wake of Death, if anyone saw them, post in the comments box.

Second in Command is in production and guess what... he's writing and starring in Kumite... about an illegal fight.


The Verdict

Quantity is no substitute for quality. Van Damme has released shedloads of shite, that paints by numbers and he agrees to play characters with the worst names in showbiz:

Edward 'The Torch' Garrotte - Replicant
Chance Boudreaux - Hard Target
Gibson Rickenbacker - Cyborg (nice guitar though)
Vic 'The Cajun' Latour - Kumite (I'm not making this up)

Sho Kosugi is a legend, a master... The Ninja, without him there would be no ninja turtles, no Tenchu, no pyjamas, no mascara and no Big Macs (CaC exclusive).

Van Damme you are a Chump... and you were in Friends... didn't you learn anything from Stop, or my mom will shoot?


The Champ

The Sheens 'V' The Sutherlands

That's right readers (okay, okay... reader... you happy now?), the second edition of Champ & Chump is the battle of the Father/Son combos... In one corner we have Martin and Charlie Sheen and in the other corner, we have Donald and Kiefer Sutherland.




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Both fathers and both sons are similar ages, Martin born in 1940 and Donald in 1935, Charlie in 1965 and Kiefer in 1966. The number of movies the fathers have been in alone, is impressive to say the least, and when you add the sons' inventories this could become a motherfucker of a post. So... to make it fair, whilst we will touch on the early careers of Martin and Donald, the spotlight will be on the flicks released whilst both father and son were making a living as actors.

The real points however, will of course be given/deducted based upon what really matters... how hot are Charlie and Kiefer's mothers... and who have the father/son combo humped during their careers?

I know what you're thinking, but Justin, how can you do a father/son combo post, and not include the Douglas combo? Well I'll tell you how... because Michael is almost as old as Donald and Martin, is humping Catherine Zeta Jones, and Kirk was Spartacus!!! How unfair would that be? And Michael is a boring prick and his films are shite.

Listen, son... I've been doing this since before you were born!

Apart from The Execution of Private Slovik in 1974, in which Charlie played a kid at a wedding, the youngster's big break came in 1984 in Red Dawn with Patrick Swayze, so we will take a quick look at the highlights of Martin's career prior to '84. According to imdb.com, we're talking 48 credits including classics such as The Dead Zone, Gandhi, the incredible Apocalypse Now and Taxi!!!




Kiefer's debut was in 1983, in Max Dugan Returns and Donald's highlights prior to that date include; The Dirty Dozen, MASH, Kelly's Heroes, The Eagle Has Landed and the first film to feature a shit-scary dwarf in a little red riding hood cape, Don't Look Now... because of that movie my mother still can't visit Venice. You fanboys may also be interested to note that Donald played the lead role in Klute (1971), which was one of Stallone's first roles mentioned in the previous C&C post... Alas, Sly's role as 'dancer in club' went uncredited... must have been complete bollocks.

The (late) 80's

Sheen Snr. kept busy with classics such as Firestarter and Wall Street but let the side down BIGTIME by providing his voice talent for... I shit you not... Apocalypse Pooh. Even the fact he actually voiced Winnie himself, cannot take away just how fucked up that is. Robert Duvall provides the voice for a Gopher in the same movie. "Dad you're so fuckin embarrassing!" says Charlie reading this post but his contribution in this decade includes drill like Grizzly 2: The Predator and Never on a Tuesday but, at least we were treated to Young Guns (although more of a vehicle for 'brother with gay name', Emilio Estevez and of course, Kiefer Sutherland), Platoon and Major League.

Note: Wall Street also starred Charlie and that lucky sonafabitch, Michael Douglas.




Apparently, and this is a C&C exclusive, Marlon Brandow skull-fucked the director of Apocalypse Pooh, when the screen legend was asked if he would provide the voice for Piglet.

Sutherland Snr. had a luke-warm decade in the 80's... perhaps he was pissed off with Kiefer for cramping his style... the most well-known flick in this decade for the old fart is starring as 'the warden' in gay prison flick, Lock Up opposite Stallone! Kiefer kicked out the jams with Young Guns, Stand By Me and 'the vampire movie of our generation', Lost Boys. I can't emphasize enough just how fuckin cool Lost Boys is, it has comics, vampires an awesome soundtrack and the Frog Brothers! Apart from the bubble bath scene with Cory Haim, which proved, finally... that I am actually straight *shudder*, this film is brilliant.

"Come on, Michael... let's bite some skulls and hang from a bridge."




"Kiefer... I don't want you hanging out with that Sheen boy, or his gay brother Emili... Emilie... Elninio... the ugly one!"

The 90's

Charlie's decade is mostly filled with horseshit, he tries comedy... didn't he learn anything from Stop, or my mom will shoot? He turns into Charlie 'Spoof' Sheen with Hot Shots, Loaded Weapon 1 and Hot Shots Part Deux. There are a couple of thrillers too, Navy SEALS, The Rookie but Charlie really takes one in the nuts for the Sheens, when he teams up with ugly fuckwit brother for Men at Work. This painful crap about surfing garbagemen, was actually written by Estevez. After the premiere, Martin Sheen demanded a blood test, stating "that Estevez woman was a slut." The decade isn't a total shit-storm for genre fans with The Arrival, which wasn't too bad. Martin has a fairly poor decade, narrating JFK, appearing in plenty of movies with his (real) son, Charlie and even appears in Spawn.

I have a question, when and how did Charlie go from 'runt who looks a bit like his dad' to this?


All those hookers must be a great workout.

Hits for Donald in the 90's include Backdraft, JFK, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Outbreak and A Time to Kill. There's also the slightly weird Six Degrees of Separation, with Will Smith proving he can do 'gay' as well as Keanu Reeves can do... well, anything other than a fuckwit surf-dude. Kiefer strengthens the duo's hit list with Young Guns 2: Jon Bon Jovi's A Twat, Flatliners, A Few Good Men, the brilliant The Vanishing and one of my favorite genre movies Dark City.

2000 and beyond

Martin focuses on TV hit The West Wing and features in very few movies, the only one worth noting is Catch Me if You Can. Charlie, like a chip off the old block, dives into Spin City and Two and a Half Men but starts off the new millenium thinking fuck it, I've done comedy I may as well do porn and stars in Rated X, once again teaming up with brother Englebert 'honest I'm not gay' Estevez.

Donald stays mainstream with Cold Mountain, Frankenstein and The Italian Job and Kiefer keeps it real with LA Confidential, Taking Lives and Phonebooth and of course, the series of the millenium 24.

You Motherfu...

So let's take a look at the ladies that 'went halves' on a bastard with messrs Sheen and Sutherland.



I'm sure she was hot when she was younger.

And mama Sutherland:

The Verdict

Movie-wise, it's hard to ignore classics like Apocalypse Now, Platoon and Wall Street from the Sheens, but the Sutherlands have tried to remain serious ac-tors throughout their careers and let's face it, Charlie has really messed up the chances of the Sheens being taken seriously. Plus the genre fanboy in me drools over Lost Boys and Dark City.

Charlie loses more points for the clan Sheen, for having the nickname 'The Machine' but then gains almost unmeasurable points back for claiming he is addicted to sex, that it is an illness and that he is getting therapy... that is the best fuckin excuse in the world.

He is also married to Denise, and whilst it looks like it may be over, he definitely had sex with her on numerous occasions when he wasn't indulging in his addiction... you greedy bastard!



Kiefer hasn't done too badly either, in 1990 he was engaged to Julia Roberts and has also dated dancer, Amanda Rice.

Between the combos we have well over 400 movies, and Charlie has pumped at least 400 women on his own... this is a tough choice.

Sheens, you are chumps. And it's mostly down to Winnie The Fuckin Pooh dropping Napalm on Tigger, and Charlie's obsession with working with his fuck'tard of a brother.

The Champs

The Future...

I am hoping to get guest contributors to rival-up movies, actors, tv shows, comics, you name it...

Possible future posts include:

The Rock 'V' Vin Diesel
Batman 'V' Superman
Steve Buscemi 'V' Tim Roth
Gary Oldman 'V' Daniel Day Lewis
Tom Cruise 'V' Brad Pitt
Kiefer Sutherland 'V' Kevin Bacon
Grunge 'V' Rock
Orlando Bloom 'V' A Sweaty Sock
FarScape 'V' Babylon 5
The Internet 'V' Girlfriends
Jason Mulgrew 'V' Letter D
Wanking 'V' Real Sex

It goes on and on...

Stallone 'V' Schwarzenegger

This is the first edition in what I intend to be a series, pitching two bitter rivals against each other, looking at the evidence and injecting my own humble opinion, ultimately proclaiming one 'The Champ' and the other... 'The Chump'.

It's inspired not a little, by Letter D's 'genius or moron' posts... Pure Internet Gold!

The Contenders

Anyway, first up are the two biggest, baddest movie stars of the 80's and 90's... Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone... now if the results were based on stupid names, Arnie would nick it... but only just. I have to say at the outset, that I personally couldn't have lived without either's movies as I grew up... imagine no Rocky... or no Terminator... but alas, one has to be named Chump. Recent stars like Steven (gay ponytail) Seagal and Van (splits kick and bumpy forehead) Damme don't even get a look-in.

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The 70's

The 70's was pretty shit for both 'action' men, although Sly hit some home runs with Rocky and Rocky 2... probably his most memorable role. The rest of this decade is filled with crap like Bananas, Klute and The Party at Kitty and Stud's.



Arnie faired much worse with abysmal shite like Hercules in New York and his role as Lars, the gym instructor in Scavenger Hunt.

The 80's

An incredible decade for Arnie with mega hits starting with the awesome Conan The Barbarian Movie... followed with hit after hit:

Conan The Destroyer
The Terminator
Red Sonja
Commando
Predator
The Running Man

Holy shit, what a bunch of movies. The Terminator was the Sci Fi film of the 80's except for Blade Runner, maybe. The second Conan movie, more budget, more muscles and even the slightly eccentric Red Sonja was great for the fantasy fanboy. Commando established Arnie as the 'one liner' action movie star and Predator sealed the deal.





Sly didn't do too badly either, Rambo was the macho man of the 80's in First Blood, Rambo and Rambo 3... he also managed to notch up two further Rocky movies, with Rocky 3 featuring Mr T and the brilliant Rocky IV, with the classic Ivan Drago character, played by big Dolph. Arnie may have had the string of one-off hits and the follow-up to the first Conan movie, but Sly had established himself as the king of the franchises.

But the 80's weren't only about the two big R's for Sly, he also released Cobra, Lock Up, Tango & Cash and the soft and yet almost appealing Over the Top about an arm wrestler trying to gain access to his son.





The 90's

A fairly even couple of decades until now. We have hugely successful one-off defining hits from Arnie and well-established franchises from Sly... both actors were loaded and popular, so what are they going to do now?

Arnie kicks off in style with Total Recall... then totally fucks up with Kindergarten Cop... he is the first to fall for the 'Should I try comedy?' schoolboy error... didn't he learn anything from Twins?
Luckily for everyone, he hits back with Terminator 2: Judgement Day... one of the biggest movies ever... and this is despite the fact that the new terminator is ordered not to kill... 'he'll live' he says, as he shoots a punk in the leg.

Then he looks like a complete fuck'tard in The Last Action Hero, trying to appeal to kids, goes evern further into the shitter with Junior (a pregnant Arnold Shwarzenegger... who the fuck signed that off!?!) recovers with True Lies (thanks to Tom Arnold) gives us the finger with Jingle All The Way and then does this:




You prick.

At least End of Days gets back to the dark stuff but even Gabriel Byrne fresh from The Usual Suspects can't save a wishy washy decade.

Sly kicks off with Rocky V... bad move. Who the fuck wants to see a punch drunk, broke, Rocky slug it out with another great white hope in the street? Then the unthinkable happens. Stop, or my Mom will shoot... didn't YOU see Twins fucko?

He gets back onto ass kickin' track with Cliffhanger and up until this point, has left the Sci Fi to Arnie. Then Demolition Man hits our screens, and ain't too bad and also acts as a vehicle for the up and comer Wesley Snipes and new geek-drool gal, Sandra Bullock.

The Specialist is forgettable, especially as snatch-flasher Sharon Stone keeps her gash where it belongs... but then we get this:

You prick.

Way to piss off fanboys the world over.

Things get boring with Daylight and Assassins but Sly wins back some acting street cred with Cop Land at the end of another wishy washy decade.

Beyond 2000

Sly starts the new millenium with Get Carter... Get lost. Driven, which is okay and D-Tox, which is complete arse apples.

Arnie gave us the 6th Day, which I enjoyed for the premise and the gadgets alone. Then came Collateral Damage, back to the 'one man taking on an army' form of the early 80's.. only shit. Then the tragedy that was Terminator 3, Arnie never had Sly's franchise power.

Then Arnie gets all 'political'... didn't he learn anything from Junior?

... he beomes the Governor of California and looks like this:

Sly makes the awesome television show 'The Contender', forgetting Rocky was just a character and the only shot he has ever taken to his face, was the stroke that left him looking and sounding punch drunk... and stays in pretty good shape.

The Verdict

Sly started out strong with Rocky, gaining extra credits for writing and directing THE boxing movie short of Raging Bull... and any boxing movie this side of the year 2000!

But Conan... and an incredible run in the 80's aids Arnie's corner, although you can't ignore John Rambo, Apollo Creed dying in Rocky IV and Kurt Russell banging Sly's sister in Tango & Cash.

Both make pricks of themselves as Mr Freeze and Judge Dredd, try comedy, drop a couple of decent thrillers, and try and revitalize ailing franchises in the 90's.

Both stick their heads up their arses, Arnie getting into politics and Sly thinking he can actually give advice to real-life, promising boxers and possible future world champions.

Sly gets extra points, as whilst Arnie starred in Red Sonja... Sly was actually banging her in real life. He also deserves some extra credit for achieving such success despite having a completely fuckin mental mother.

Both deserve a kick in the balls for Planet Hollywood.

Sorry Arnie, you are a Chump.

The Champ

And this surprised me, as going in to this thing I thought Arnie had made better films. If this had been a fight, Sly went into the early rounds slugging, Arnie came back with some strong middle rounds. Both men touched their knees on the canvas in later rounds but Sly made an eye-catching finale.