The Sheens 'V' The Sutherlands

That's right readers (okay, okay... reader... you happy now?), the second edition of Champ & Chump is the battle of the Father/Son combos... In one corner we have Martin and Charlie Sheen and in the other corner, we have Donald and Kiefer Sutherland.




'V'





Both fathers and both sons are similar ages, Martin born in 1940 and Donald in 1935, Charlie in 1965 and Kiefer in 1966. The number of movies the fathers have been in alone, is impressive to say the least, and when you add the sons' inventories this could become a motherfucker of a post. So... to make it fair, whilst we will touch on the early careers of Martin and Donald, the spotlight will be on the flicks released whilst both father and son were making a living as actors.

The real points however, will of course be given/deducted based upon what really matters... how hot are Charlie and Kiefer's mothers... and who have the father/son combo humped during their careers?

I know what you're thinking, but Justin, how can you do a father/son combo post, and not include the Douglas combo? Well I'll tell you how... because Michael is almost as old as Donald and Martin, is humping Catherine Zeta Jones, and Kirk was Spartacus!!! How unfair would that be? And Michael is a boring prick and his films are shite.

Listen, son... I've been doing this since before you were born!

Apart from The Execution of Private Slovik in 1974, in which Charlie played a kid at a wedding, the youngster's big break came in 1984 in Red Dawn with Patrick Swayze, so we will take a quick look at the highlights of Martin's career prior to '84. According to imdb.com, we're talking 48 credits including classics such as The Dead Zone, Gandhi, the incredible Apocalypse Now and Taxi!!!




Kiefer's debut was in 1983, in Max Dugan Returns and Donald's highlights prior to that date include; The Dirty Dozen, MASH, Kelly's Heroes, The Eagle Has Landed and the first film to feature a shit-scary dwarf in a little red riding hood cape, Don't Look Now... because of that movie my mother still can't visit Venice. You fanboys may also be interested to note that Donald played the lead role in Klute (1971), which was one of Stallone's first roles mentioned in the previous C&C post... Alas, Sly's role as 'dancer in club' went uncredited... must have been complete bollocks.

The (late) 80's

Sheen Snr. kept busy with classics such as Firestarter and Wall Street but let the side down BIGTIME by providing his voice talent for... I shit you not... Apocalypse Pooh. Even the fact he actually voiced Winnie himself, cannot take away just how fucked up that is. Robert Duvall provides the voice for a Gopher in the same movie. "Dad you're so fuckin embarrassing!" says Charlie reading this post but his contribution in this decade includes drill like Grizzly 2: The Predator and Never on a Tuesday but, at least we were treated to Young Guns (although more of a vehicle for 'brother with gay name', Emilio Estevez and of course, Kiefer Sutherland), Platoon and Major League.

Note: Wall Street also starred Charlie and that lucky sonafabitch, Michael Douglas.




Apparently, and this is a C&C exclusive, Marlon Brandow skull-fucked the director of Apocalypse Pooh, when the screen legend was asked if he would provide the voice for Piglet.

Sutherland Snr. had a luke-warm decade in the 80's... perhaps he was pissed off with Kiefer for cramping his style... the most well-known flick in this decade for the old fart is starring as 'the warden' in gay prison flick, Lock Up opposite Stallone! Kiefer kicked out the jams with Young Guns, Stand By Me and 'the vampire movie of our generation', Lost Boys. I can't emphasize enough just how fuckin cool Lost Boys is, it has comics, vampires an awesome soundtrack and the Frog Brothers! Apart from the bubble bath scene with Cory Haim, which proved, finally... that I am actually straight *shudder*, this film is brilliant.

"Come on, Michael... let's bite some skulls and hang from a bridge."




"Kiefer... I don't want you hanging out with that Sheen boy, or his gay brother Emili... Emilie... Elninio... the ugly one!"

The 90's

Charlie's decade is mostly filled with horseshit, he tries comedy... didn't he learn anything from Stop, or my mom will shoot? He turns into Charlie 'Spoof' Sheen with Hot Shots, Loaded Weapon 1 and Hot Shots Part Deux. There are a couple of thrillers too, Navy SEALS, The Rookie but Charlie really takes one in the nuts for the Sheens, when he teams up with ugly fuckwit brother for Men at Work. This painful crap about surfing garbagemen, was actually written by Estevez. After the premiere, Martin Sheen demanded a blood test, stating "that Estevez woman was a slut." The decade isn't a total shit-storm for genre fans with The Arrival, which wasn't too bad. Martin has a fairly poor decade, narrating JFK, appearing in plenty of movies with his (real) son, Charlie and even appears in Spawn.

I have a question, when and how did Charlie go from 'runt who looks a bit like his dad' to this?


All those hookers must be a great workout.

Hits for Donald in the 90's include Backdraft, JFK, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Outbreak and A Time to Kill. There's also the slightly weird Six Degrees of Separation, with Will Smith proving he can do 'gay' as well as Keanu Reeves can do... well, anything other than a fuckwit surf-dude. Kiefer strengthens the duo's hit list with Young Guns 2: Jon Bon Jovi's A Twat, Flatliners, A Few Good Men, the brilliant The Vanishing and one of my favorite genre movies Dark City.

2000 and beyond

Martin focuses on TV hit The West Wing and features in very few movies, the only one worth noting is Catch Me if You Can. Charlie, like a chip off the old block, dives into Spin City and Two and a Half Men but starts off the new millenium thinking fuck it, I've done comedy I may as well do porn and stars in Rated X, once again teaming up with brother Englebert 'honest I'm not gay' Estevez.

Donald stays mainstream with Cold Mountain, Frankenstein and The Italian Job and Kiefer keeps it real with LA Confidential, Taking Lives and Phonebooth and of course, the series of the millenium 24.

You Motherfu...

So let's take a look at the ladies that 'went halves' on a bastard with messrs Sheen and Sutherland.



I'm sure she was hot when she was younger.

And mama Sutherland:

The Verdict

Movie-wise, it's hard to ignore classics like Apocalypse Now, Platoon and Wall Street from the Sheens, but the Sutherlands have tried to remain serious ac-tors throughout their careers and let's face it, Charlie has really messed up the chances of the Sheens being taken seriously. Plus the genre fanboy in me drools over Lost Boys and Dark City.

Charlie loses more points for the clan Sheen, for having the nickname 'The Machine' but then gains almost unmeasurable points back for claiming he is addicted to sex, that it is an illness and that he is getting therapy... that is the best fuckin excuse in the world.

He is also married to Denise, and whilst it looks like it may be over, he definitely had sex with her on numerous occasions when he wasn't indulging in his addiction... you greedy bastard!



Kiefer hasn't done too badly either, in 1990 he was engaged to Julia Roberts and has also dated dancer, Amanda Rice.

Between the combos we have well over 400 movies, and Charlie has pumped at least 400 women on his own... this is a tough choice.

Sheens, you are chumps. And it's mostly down to Winnie The Fuckin Pooh dropping Napalm on Tigger, and Charlie's obsession with working with his fuck'tard of a brother.

The Champs