Oh and I don't have to travel, awesome! Mind you, I like the idea of Michelin Star nutrition and luxury hotel thrown in - check it out - www.bootcampjersey.com.
For me, this really is the best way to lose weight.
jT
Movies, actors, models, comics, Sci Fi shows, pop culture... you name it, we take the rivals, explore the evidence and name one The Champ and the other The Chump.
Tragic news, the brilliant Pat Morita has passed away...
Daniel-San, the fuck'tard comes good, using the secret Crane Technique... it baffles your opponent, and whilst he wonders why you have gone all 'gay'... you kick him in the head... I'm telling you, fuckin Ninjas couldn't even come up with something so genius... except for smoke bombs, they rock.
I was 'in the pants' happy when I heard Daniel-San was going to go to Okinawa with Miyagi in the sequel and would have to fight to the death with Chozen, Miyagi's nemesis' pupil... plus Daniel-San got it on with a local girl... holy shit, I dug out those old pen pal letters, 'listen, I know you and your family do not know karate... but I think I am in love with you.'
I wanted to 'do' bamboo, just like Daniel-San.
And man did I nearly shit when Chozen blocked the crane kick!
Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita... we at CaC, salute you!!!
Pat has a staggering 103 movie credits.
****JUSTIN NOTE****
The Champ
No Retreat, No Surrender...
So the moral of the story is... well, there ain't one actually.
Sadly, Billy is too busy with Tai Bo to care about un-profitable b-movies, his last role was in '97. Loren however has a new movie coming out this year called Brutal.
The tagline is "A Man With No Name. A Town Without Hope. A Stranger On The Path Of Justice. Are you Ready to Get Brutal." Glad to see Loren hasn't turned his back on shitty b-movies.
Inbetween CaC posts, I figure I'll post any news I think entertaining or downright insulting.
Yes, it's the battle of the antipodeans, Jackman a full-blooded aussie and Crowe, a sheep-shagging New Zealander. This is an interesting one for me as it will be particularly hard for the fanboy in me to ignore the fact that Jackman is WOLVERINE and the fact that Crowe is a complete twat... but I will try and remain impartial for the sake of good pop-culture journalism.
Yes, it's the battle of the two Coreys. In the 80's and specifically due to the awesome movie, Lost Boys, these guys seemed like hot prospects. They went on to star in no less than seven movies together and were the highest paid teen stars in the world during that golden decade! Both CaC contestants were born in '71 and um... are both called Corey.
It's at this point that Haim calls his agent (CaC exclusive) and says "Listen man, I am sick and tired of playing fuckin kids all the time... I am like 21 now, motherfucker, I want some putang!" And so we get Oh, What a Night, a movie about 'two lads who start to investigate the world of women'.
Agent: Well that was a complete waste of time, you tit... if you want some putang I'll get you some hookers you fresh-faced little twat, now do The Double O Kid like a good little actor... prick.
Haim: Double O Kid eh? Is that double O as in orgasm?
Agent: No, it's double O as in 007... you play a kid who wants to be a secret agent.
Haim: Awesome! Bond always gets laid, what's the tagline for this role?
Agent: His Weapons: A Super Soaker and a Joystick. His Mission: To Save the World... Before Dinner!
Haim: Ah fuck it!
Clearly Haim refused to drop it and the awful thriller Blown Away features both Coreys banging Nicole Eggert, who Haim later proposes to (in real life). Double Switch is a thriller with the suspenseful and never used before tagline 'There's a killer in the building'. Despite being 22 by this point, Haim goes back to school to play Chris, who is bullied so bad, he disguises himself by dressing in women's clothing... Anything for Love bombs. They could have made this into the american version of The Crying Game and clearly missed a huge opportunity for Haim to be taken seriously. Imagine the look on the jock's face when he managed to get into Haim's cheerleader knickers.
Fast Getaway 2 is almost saved by the martial art queen, Cynthia Rothrock. Last Resort sees both Coreys reunited for a crap comedy. The duo go straight into Dream a little Dream 2. Another comedy in Life 101, and then crap follows crap for the rest of the 90's. The fact Haim is pennyless doesn't help his script selection. Snowboard Academy is almost okay and Never too Late, is sadly, not true for this once hot property actor.
I never thought that I would ever be able to say "I have more money than Corey Haim". Also, you know you're fucked when miserable irish singer/songwriters (The Thrills) write and release a song called 'Whatever Happened to Corey Haim?'
I can't call it... but based on the fact we get to see him take Nicole Eggert from behind, onscreen, Haim is slightly less Chumpy than Feldman... sorry Felds, you are a Chump! (and I know you lot are going to disagree, so go on... make your snide little comments, but you didn't hear 'Honesty' okay? That shit is evil).
The Champ
This CaC (Champ and Chump... thanks Juye for pointing out the awesome acronym and no I will not change it to Champ or Chump just so you can giggle like a girl!) exists for one reason and one reason only...
Sho kicked off (fnar!) with an incredible trilogy (even though only one movie actually hinted that a trilogy was intentional) in Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja and Ninja 3: The Domination. We also had some crap though, with Nine Deaths of The Ninja, Diamond Ninja Force and Rage of Honor but things get back on track with Pray For Death... Ninja 3 deserves extra credit for starring the actress who played Kelly in Breakdance: The Movie (or Breakin' as it is also known). Also, Enter the Ninja is responsible for me converting a Buck Rogers outfit into a ninja suit, complete with Black Balaclava mask and black shoelaces tied around my legs.
I've mentioned The Master, but for me, Sho's role as the baddie Okasa against Lee Van Cleef's character, defined and started my fanboy journey. It was brilliant! Van Cleef the mysterious Ninja being chased around the States by Okasa as he takes on an apprentice and searches for his daughter.
We know about Black Eagle already *hissss* but there was also the enjoyable summer flick Aloha Summer, where Kosugi plays the strict father of one of the main surf-dude characters. Then we get to the brilliant Blind Fury, starring Rutger Hauer as the white-man's version of Zatoichi... Sho plays the Ninja, hired to stop Rutger's legendary sword skills.
Van Damme's first credit is Monaco Forever in 1984, where he is expertly cast as 'gay karate man'. Before his breakthrough in No Retreat, No Surrender and fresh from his gay cameo, JCVD appears as a camp onlooker in Breakdance: The Movie. I watched it the other night and can confirm that this is true. That weird bump on his forehead is unmistakable.
After Black Eagle, Van the Man shows the promise he hinted at in No Retreat, No Surrender with in my opinion, still one of his best movies... Bloodsport. As Frank 'put up your' Dux, the ninja who enters and wins the illegal Kumite in Hong Kong.
Cyborg could have been great and rumour has it that it was filmed before Bloodsport, but shelved until after Bloodsport launched JCVD's career. It was also edited, apparently by the same prick who prepared the paperwork for the prosecuting team in the Michael Jackson case.
Just when you thought you couldn't take any more splits kicks or illegal fights, Kickboxer showed us JC dipping his bandaged fists in resin and then M&Ms... or was that Hot Shots? Fuck it, you know what I mean.
"I may be blind, fucko... but I'll still kick the shit... hey, weren't you in Enter the Dragon?"
"The fire is melting my M&Ms!!!"
Alas, apart from providing his voice for a few projects, including the brilliant game Tenchu, Sho almost vanishes, much like a ninja but without the smoke bombs and the fat henchman with a shuriken in his neck. He wrote, produced and appeared in Kabuto, set in 17th Century Japan also featuring David Essex, Christopher Lee and John Rhys-Davies... just imagine that for a moment please, reader... indulge me... Sho Kosugi, Saruman and fuckin Gimli in the same movie!!! That's worth ten Van Damme films!!!
Jean Claude or as he demanded to be called at the time, 'fuck machine', had a string of hits, some hitting our screens and some hitting the spotty little prick who hired them to us at the video store on the back of the head. Some of the highlights include Universal Soldier and... well that's about it. The idiot grows a mullet for Hard Target, decides he is an ac-tor in Nowhere to Run, thus throwing no kicks to show how serious he is, recovers with Timecop before doing this:
You prick.
Oh and I have to mention that just when you thought Arnie was the only prick in the world who thought The Last Action Hero was any good, guess who makes a cameo appearance? Yep, Fuck'tard in the blue beret.
Double Impact, Death Warrant and Lionheart (AWOL in the UK) can't even get played on Bravo Channel anymore.